I have been in Taiwan for the past month and a half, and its been a lot of things, but the loudest adjective that comes to mind is discomfort. This, to me, is not a negative thought, even though at first it really feels that way. When I first chose to go to Taiwan, it was born out of a curiosity to visit an island in Asia that shared roots to another archipelago of islands in the Pacific, the Philippines. The indigenous people of Taiwan are Austronesian, the same bloodline as the indigenous peoples in the Philippines, and I wanted to be within the energy of this ancestry, as I share those same roots as well.
I also wanted to come here to study Chinese, as I have invested so much time in learning this extremely difficult language. One thing I have realized since coming here is that when you come to a place, your expectations or initial wishes of why you came there can be changed or transformed in an instant… When I first arrived, all of my intentions quickly became replaced with fear, discomfort, mental blankness and a feeling of a sense of emptiness.
Speaking on this feeling of emptiness, it was not born out of being in Taiwan, it was something deeper than that.
I believe that through this experience of studying abroad, I have slowly and slowly and slowly finding pieces of myself that have always been inside of me, but I needed a new environment to bring them out. This process has been uncomfortable at times, and really lonely too. In between these moments I have seen some of the most beautiful landscapes, met incredibly kind people, healed a lot of my fears of forming close friendships with people, spoken the most Chinese I ever have, and have learned how to make countless decisions for myself throughout everyday. This tension between these seemingly beautiful memories to the discomfort I have been living in, invokes a feeling of “emptiness,” because I realize that these two things can exist at the same time, and maybe that is okay. Maybe I don’t have to know why theres such a contrast, or if it is even a contrast at all.
There are so many times that I have doubted whether or not I am going about my day the “right way” or I am soaking up the “most that I can” from this experience, but ultimately I think there is no right way to experience this opportunity. I have spent a lot of time trying to avoid this discomfort and tension, because it contrasts everything that everyone tells you about studying abroad, but perhaps this might be the most important part of all of it. Because through all of this, I think I have never felt more like I am exactly where I need to be in this moment in time, even if I still don’t know why.
I am so happy and grateful to myself that I chose to go on this study abroad. I am so happy that I chose everything before this to be able to be here as well. Being here has made me think about my identity, my positionality, nature, humanity, friendships, relationships, fears, struggles, triumphs, regrets, shame, LOTS of shame, possibility, opportunity, hope, hopelessness, gratefulness, and joy.
— I am still trying to figure all of this stuff out… will have more thoughts later.
